Why Anxiety Can Feel Worse When You're Constantly Trying to Keep Everyone Happy

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”?

Perhaps you worry about disappointing people, upsetting someone, being judged or creating conflict. You might spend a lot of time thinking about what other people need while putting your own needs somewhere at the bottom of the list.

From the outside, you may appear kind, caring and easy-going. Inside, however, you may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and anxious.

For some adults, constantly trying to keep everyone happy isn't simply a personality trait. It can be a coping pattern that developed much earlier in life.

When keeping everyone happy becomes a survival strategy

If you grew up in an environment where you had to be particularly aware of other people's moods, reactions or needs, you may have learned to monitor the people around you closely.

You may have learned things such as:

• “I need to keep everyone happy.”

• “It's safer not to disagree.”

• “My feelings aren't as important as everyone else's.”

• “If someone is upset, it must be my fault.”

• “I need to be good to be accepted.”

• “I shouldn't cause problems.”

  
  

As a child, these strategies may have helped you navigate difficult or unpredictable situations.

But what helped you cope then may continue into adulthood, even when you are now safe.

This can sometimes show up as people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, perfectionism, overthinking, fear of rejection or constantly seeking reassurance.

Why can people-pleasing increase anxiety?

When your attention is continually focused on keeping other people comfortable, your own emotional needs can become difficult to recognise.

You may constantly ask yourself:

“Are they okay?”

“Did I say the wrong thing?”

“Are they angry with me?”

“What if they don't like me anymore?”

“Should I have done more?”

This constant monitoring can keep your mind in a state of alertness.

Instead of listening to your own needs, you end up abandoning your own needs, and you may be scanning the environment for signs that someone is unhappy with you.

Over time, this can become exhausting and the more you try to prevent anything from going wrong, the more anxious you may become.

You don't have to stop caring about others. Healing childhood trauma doesn't mean becoming selfish or stopping yourself from caring about people. It means learning that your needs matter too.

Childhood trauma and anxiety in adulthood

Childhood trauma does not always look like one dramatic event.

It can also involve emotional neglect, criticism, instability, family conflict, feeling responsible for a parent's emotions, or growing up without feeling consistently safe, heard or understood.

Australian research highlights the significant connection between childhood maltreatment and adult mental health. AIHW reports that among people who experienced child maltreatment, 48% experienced a mental disorder compared with 22% of those who had not experienced maltreatment. Child maltreatment was also strongly associated with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

The ABS also reports that 17.2% of Australians aged 16–85 experienced an anxiety disorder in the previous 12 months, making anxiety the most common group of mental disorders in the 2020–2022 National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing.

These statistics don't mean that childhood experiences automatically cause anxiety. Everyone responds to difficult experiences differently.

But they do highlight why understanding the connection between your past experiences and present-day emotional patterns can be an important part of healing.

What can counselling help with?

Adult childhood trauma counselling can provide a safe space to explore where these patterns may have come from and how they are affecting your life today.

Looking for a Counsellor in Canterbury?

I'm Pam Varas, a Registered Counsellor (Level 3) with the Australian Counselling Association, supporting adults to understand and heal the impact of difficult childhood experiences.

My approach is trauma-informed and incorporates parts work and inner child work, creating a safe and compassionate space to explore the connection between past experiences and present-day challenges.

If you're looking for Childhood Trauma Counselling, Anxiety Counselling or Depression Counselling in Canterbury, Sydney, I offer face-to-face counselling in Canterbury and online counselling across Australia.

You don't have to keep everyone else happy at the expense of yourself.

Healing can begin with understanding why you learned to put yourself last and discovering that you are allowed to have needs, boundaries and a voice too.

Pam Varas | Rebuild Together Counselling Counsellor in Canterbury, Sydney NSW Childhood Trauma Counselling for Adults | Anxiety Counselling | Depression Counselling

Learn more or enquire about counselling: Rebuild Together Counselling

This article is for general educational purposes and is not a substitute for individual mental health assessment or treatment.

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